Mirroring Decisions: Go Turn The Light On-Part 2

What are your habits? Is there a way, about you, that can be expressed as “your personality?” 

Many would identify these as patterns, or consistent behaviors and traits that reflect who you are. 

In the previous blog, “Go Turn The Light On,” I indicated that we possess and make unaware choices. I like to call these “Mirroring Decisions.”

Our choices are not just expressions of our family history and upbringing; in many cases, they are exactly the same. In fact, the reasoning behind these decisions mirrors the same thought process of those who came before us. And more often than not, we remain unaware that we are reenacting unresolved conversations (conflicts, issues, and successes) from the past. 

Let’s break this down to clear up what is being revealed. 

Beyond the typical examples of why we choose our partners and friends (which we will explore), here’s an example of a mirroring decision:

1. You get into arguments. As a result, the other person faces consequences that include (but are not limited to) personal attacks, silent treatment, exclusions, or excommunication. 

2. Or, you get into an argument that concludes with an apology(s) from you, an internal sense of guilt/shame, and carrying the weight of the blame. 

   1. In the middle, there is the experience of indifference from either side. 

Provided we are aware of someone’s experience of us, these patterns show up in most, if not all, our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. 

The way we engage with situations-what we do, how we do it, and why-is often a replication of something older. 

Many of us have heard the concept of being triggered, or having “triggers.” Which means your internal self is having an internal or an external reaction/response. At its core, being triggered is cause and effect. But here is the more profound truth: the cause isn’t new. The exact cause that triggers you may have triggered your mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, auntie, uncle, great-grandfather, and others in your lineage. Therefore, it's not just the decisions that repeat; it’s also the root causes. 

And because of this, we often attract people who stir up these patterns. In that, we seek out what’s familiar, even if it’s dysfunctional, perpetuating the existing pattern. It is not so much about what they are looking for, as it is what we are unconsciously looking for; a way to fulfill or resolve something that remains incomplete. 

Here are two examples of triggers: 

Let’s say someone’s childhood home is chaotic because of passive-aggressive, aggressive, or self-destructive personalities; those same characteristics will appear in the adult household. The reason is that we have not learned through example(s) how to identify and build healthy relationships with ourselves, and then others. 

An adult may also learn how to shut down inside to avoid repeating the childhood pain. Yet the pattern is repeated because the shutdown sustains the pattern. If we don’t trust ourselves to identify and build healthy relationships, we are demonstrating fear, which is the exact mechanism that pulls the dysfunction forward. We are constantly trying to complete the conversation, close the book on our troubles, but lack the information necessary to effectively change.

Why is this important? 

The attraction is there because no one has disrupted the pattern to bring something new into being. In other words, the circumstances that provide the reasons and impulses have the same characteristics. It is like a movie with the same storyline and characters, but different people and sets. 

Turning the Light On is about having a clear understanding of self and our way(s) of being in a given moment. To appropriately love ourselves (look out for our best interest), we must be informed of patterns or possible patterns, to make informed decisions. Patterns are not excuses; and they certainly are not reasons to remain the same. Instead, they provide insight, a roadmap. The awareness of patterns empowers us with the ability to have a plan, to choose differently, and break the mirror (cycle).